The Social Appearance of a Tool with Exceptions

I’ve wanted to write this for a long time. There are way too many “tools” around to deal with. I’ve about had enough. I think you probably have too, but you may not know exactly what you’re looking for. Here are is the social appearance of a tool, with the added exceptions to distinguish from pseudo-tool habits.

Aspect: Big diamond earrings in both ears and sometimes have their cartilage pierced. They think it’s cool because they’ve seen it on TV before. These earrings mostly likely stick out like headlights on a deserted highway.
Exception: The diamonds are real.

Aspect: They where a hemp bracelet. This is to show off how much they like pot, when in actuality, they don’t own any paraphernalia. Duh, real druggies don’t where their drugs on the wrists, they smoke them.
Exception: They grew the bracelet in their closet.

Aspect: They wear a collared shirt in a way that the collar draws attention. Not cool. I can see that you bought your shirt in Abercrombie; good job now put your collar down.
Exception: They’re from the East Coast and play professional golf.

Aspect: A trucker hat with a beer logo is permanently placed on their head. Awesome, you drink beer. Someone should tell you that it’s Tuesday morning, not beer time.
Exception: They have a beer in their hand. Natural section should take care of everything from here.

Aspect: Bad facial Hair. If you can’t grow a beard then don’t try. It looks terrible. Especially when it is no wider than an inch from neck to lip. Either keep all of it or get rid of all of it. Shaving your lack of facial hair into something that you think will define it does not help at all.
Exception: You just got back from a three week camping trip.

Aspect: Ripped Jeans. Why on earth would someone pay for jeans that are ripped? It doesn’t make you look any cooler. And since you’re wearing pants, you probably live somewhere cold. You don’t want holes.
Exception: The holes came from wear.

Aspect: You have more friends on facebook than you could actually have in real life. Please pull yourself away from your computer for two minutes and talk to a real person. Thank you.
Exception: NO EXCEPTION.

Aspect: You have a tribal band tattoo. What are you going to tell your kids? You have absolutely no idea what it means. Because it looks cool is not a good reason to get a tattoo. You’re stupid.
Exception: They’re actually in a tribe.

Aspect: They “socially” listen to Phish. This one hits home hardest with me. Somebody just wants to be cool, but they have to go and say they like Phish. Just admit it, you’ve never listened to something that wasn’t on the radio but that’s okay neither has my 13 year old sister. As soon as I ask what’s you’re favorite album, or how many times did you see them and you tell me you’re seeing them next summer, you’re done. I may never speak another word to you on principle.
Exception: They were in a Phish lot ready to go to the show. (Would have only worked a couple of years ago, at this point there is really no exception)

I know there are more out there, so if you guys want to add a comment on you favorite aspects of a tool please do so. And for those of you who are tools, there’s still hope, just try to wean off of these aspects slowly. It won’t hurt too much.